Tuesday, May 12, 2009

A moment of honesty

I took the polaroid in this shot in a moment of honesty tonight, and sharing it with you makes me a bit more vulnerable than I usually allow myself on this blog. Still, I'm going to press on. Sometimes saying things out loud (or putting them in print, in this case) helps the reality sink in, and then gradually the acceptance...

I do not often express my desire to one day drop the "single" label. Even privately, I so rarely allow myself to dwell on it that sometimes I wonder if I really do want to be in a serious relationship, married, etc. I loath the thought of being labeled as "desperate" and would prefer to err on the other extreme.

But tonight, as I sat down to a simple meal of salmon and carrots, all quickly cooked up in a skillet with garlic and a drizzle of honey, I really wanted someone to share these sorts of meals with. Nothing fancy, just straightforward, bright, nourishing flavors that can be appreciated by two (and eventually more).

Not now, but someday.

I like the thought of him helping me eat through a bundle of asparagus from the market before they start to have a rubbery bend. I like knowing that there will be someone to share a bottle of wine with on a regular ol' weeknight because it's such a waste to open a bottle for just one.

The realist in me has to add that I recognize I just highlighted two rosy parts of a relationship. I know there's so much more.

I'll get back to you when I have a real-life story to tell.


Lauren Sutton said...

If you observe the time this comment was sent, you will realize that I actually didn't make it to yoga after our the chat this morning nor am I doing a very good job studying my Mandarin. I'll do better tomorrow...

Rather I've been listening to this great song, which I believe perfectly compliments your most recent post. In her new album Lisa Hannigan sings the song "I Don't Know" and I think you would really like it. Actually, I take that back; I know you well enough to assure you will love it as she describes many of the sentiments you shared in your writing. Buy it. Please. I promise it is well worth $.99.

"I don't know if you can dance, or if the thought ever occurred to you, if you eat what you've been given or you push it 'round your plate, I'd like to cook for you all the same. I would want to. I am game."

Lael said...

um, already love it before even hearing it! Your recommendation and that snippet of lyrics did it for me. Buying it...now!

Rachael said...

Your honest heart & loving life will not be wasted...of that I'm sure!

GrantJM said...

As you said yourself (borrowing Calvin Miller), "We humans are a hungry lot. We are driven by a craving to know who we are..."

You know yourself well, Lael. You were not made to be alone always. You have so much, too much to just enjoy yourself.

I love your heart...and the best around boy will too.


Lael said...

Mom and Dad: Count on the 'rents to step up in response to a post like this. Thanks guys. I know your words are sincere.

Shan. said...

My Best wishes for your marriage...whenever it is..!!
On a lighter note...don't worry about wasting your food and drink till then..preserve it and eat it the next day :):)

Megs said...

i so know that feeling . . . it's lovely to share with friends . . . but there's a craving for a closer sharing.

Lael said...

Shan.: Fortunately I have no problem with leftovers and will likely continue to enjoy them even after I have someone to share the larger part of a freshly prepared meal with.

Megs: Thanks for the "me too." Friends are indeed great, but, yes, there are reasons why we look for something more too.